Day 14

Mom went home yesterday.  It was good having her here.  Since I didn't feel too bad we had a good time eating and drinking and shopping.

Her mother died of breast  cancer so it was very healing for her to see me doing as well as I did.  We were both surprised by how easy the surgery was.

I did have a reaction to the pre-op.  Something put on my neck caused dermatitis.  That would be a sunburn without the sun.  Went to the dermatologist today for some cream.  We talked about my cancer and proposed radiation treatment.  He is sure I will have skin sensitivities again.  He also said I might have trouble breathing since the pleura may become inflamed.  Good point.  I'll have to point that out to the radiology oncologist once that process starts.

Now, I've made you wait long enough.  While I was at the radiology oncologist today my pathology report came in.

1. Lymph nodes are clean!  Yay!  No metastasis
2. Tumor margins are negative! Yay!  Surgeon got all of the tumor
3. No HER2! Yay!  Cancer is not extremely aggressive kind
4. Estrogen receptive! Yay!  Estrogen blocker very effective in killing this cancer.
5. With radiation and estrogen blocker I have a 95% chance of surviving 10 years.  Yay!  I can get a lot done in 10 years.

 The radiation guy (Dr. Patel - very nice guy) said I still need to talk to the "regular" oncologist to see about chemo.  The chemo is something I need to make a choice about once I understand how it affects the 95% chance versus the badness of chemo.  That's a conversation I will have Thursday.

So I am making good progress, but this is a process that will take several months to get through.

Good news today.  I'll go have some tangerine juice.

Love to you.

1.  

Day 12

Today is a day of faith.

When I worked at the phone company we often had cards passed around.  These were birthday cards, happy new kid card, and, of course, sympathy cards in times of illness and death.

The sympathy cards were always the hardest for me to write.  I wanted to express my concern and love for my colleague, and still remain professional.  I believe many others faced the same conflict.  What can you write that won't get you thrown into the crazyperson category.

For many years I used the standard "My thoughts are with you and your family."   I felt this kept me out of religion jail.  There were so many different religious beliefs and I didn't want to offend anyone.

Then, I evolved it to "My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family."  I liked that I expanded the sentiment to one of faith.

Now, that I am on the receiving end of those wishes, I gave ti more time and thought in the midnight hours of last night.

I met a Hindu.  She said that the reason there are so many gods in Hindu is because they believe it is most important to have a God.  They don't care which one you have faith in, they care that you have faith.

So I am moving closer to that model.  I believe it is important that I have faith.   So I pray and I pray often and I pray with a full heart.  I call my God Jesus because I was brought up to pray to him.  And I respect who you pray to, and I will pray to that deity along with you when you invite me.

I believe now that if I was still at the phone company and I was presented a condolence card to sign, I would sign it "I am praying for you and your family."  I would not be concerned about offending anyone.  I think that faith is an important human element and we all need to believe in something that is magical and able put miracles in our lives and console us in times of trials.

So, for all of you who have sent your wishes and thoughts and prayers, I thank you for all of it.  I thank you for your faith in whoever it is and want you to know I am praying for blessings in your lives.

Day 8

Good Morning!

I want to apologize to all of you for dropping such unexpected news. 

I also want to aapologize cuz from the response, I think I was pretty pessimistic in my writing.   I'm really not totally desolate, just kinda scared at times.  Than kfully, the fear comes and goes.  I try very hard to stay in the now, not always easy.

And my house is NOT that dirty.

Mom got here yesterday and didn't pass out from being distraught at the state of the house.  She easily overlooked the detritis around her, i did a bit of dusting and wiping down the counters.  Then we got out the kittens and played.

It's very nice having her here.  She made a nice dinner for us last night (it was a snacky dinner, yum!) and insisted I try her scotch.  I only had one.  Thought it would be bad form to show up for surgery today hungover.

I slept well last night.  

Today I will be irritable.  No food or drink since midnight.  And surgery isn't until 1130 IF they stay on schedule.  So by then I am sure I will have a raging headache.  Maybe I'll start the pain thing "On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being worse, my pain is a _____."

I am surprised that I have shared this info so widely.  That's not like me.  But there's a part of me that wants folks to know so they can help their loved ones through this.  And I want to make sure people know that mammograms are important.  I knew I would never get breast cancer, didn't realize I was in a high risk group.  And I thought I was well informed.

Ok, back to me (yes, it's all about me for the next week or so).  Surgery at 1130, then an hour in recovery and then I'll come home.  Since there's no cutting on muscle, recovery should be pretty quick.

I feel calm.  Think I'll keep calm and carry on.

Love to you.

Today will be long an

Yes, it's  very early on Wednesday.  Woke at five and couldn't go back to sleep.

I've been trying to meditate, but I can only get about 5 breaths in before I lose it.

Mom comes today and the house has not been cleaned.  There is clutter, dust, and kitten detritis. 

There's a kitten at the door howling right now.  I've trained them that breakfast is served once I'm up.  This particular kitten is hearing my typing as I sit in the dark.

Today is the preop.  It feels like today is the first step down a long and painful road.  I hope that's not true, but I think it is.

I suspect the next  few months will be fillled with discomfort and the loss of ability to do things.  I don't know what all those things are yet, but I grieve for having lost them.

The writing helps.

I am so very thankful for the many friends I have who offer their time and support and love.  Thank you.  I can't say it enough.

Ok, need to get the day started, lab tests start early today.  

Day 5

I'm in!  I have formally joined the world of blogging.  This was always a fantasy for me, but I didn't have what I felt to be an adequate inspiration.  Now I have an overwhelming inspiration.

Last Wednesday I went for a followup mammogram and sonagram.  When it was over the radiationist (she's an MD by the way) informed me I had a 2.5 cm mass in my right breast.  When I asked if it could be a cyst she answered, "No, based on my experience these types of growths are almost always a cancer."

I was shocked.  This is not how the news is delivered in the movies.  I'm supposed to be made up and in a pretty outfit, sitting next to my husband in a doctor's office.  My husband and I are holding hands.  The doctor is calm, caring, and delivers the news with a flourishing offer of a box of Kleenex.  I take one and  bravely dot at my eyes, not smearing my eyeliner and mascara while sharing a loving look with my husband.

In real life I text my sister immediately with the news.  I schedule a  biopsy for Friday and get in my car.  My sister calls me and I cry and she prays.  I get home ok.  I've decided to withhold the information from my husband until we get the old sick cat, Mooch, to the vet.  She's not doing well and we believe today is the day we will have to put her down.  I think we need to take our grief items one step at a time.

When I walked in the door my husband was on the phone with my primary doctor's office.  They wanted to schedule an appt for Thursday.  When that wass done my husband asked me what was going on and I stood in the living room, statuelike, my hands fisted tightly, tears falling down my face.  I explain that I hadn't wanted it to be that way, I had wanted to tell him after we had dealt with Mooch, that we could only deal with one crisis at a time, but there was a tumor in my breast and they think it's cancer and I have a biopsy appointment on Friday.

Wow.

So we worked through the rest of Wednesday.

Mooch got to the vet, vet said she looks great for 18 years old, give her the steroids and call later to see how she's doing.

We returned home with Mooch.  On the way home I told her it wasn't fair.  Wednesday was the day for her death sentence, not mine.  And so, to straighten out things, we were going to sacrifice her.  She ignored my threat.  And she's doing fine as I write this, begging for treats when I'm in the kitchen.

 Ok, I'm done for now. 

I had the biopsy on Friday.