Chemo

Geez, I really fell off of the wagon . . . . no posting for six weeks or so.

Well, it did give me time to get through my first chemo.

It was kind of nervous exciting as the tiem for the chemo apporached.  My good friend Barbara went with me.  I don't know exactlywhat I was expecting, but it was more than what happened..

The nurse gave me benadryl and compazine and then the "TC" meds.  It all went into a nice little IV in my elbow.  I got a little light headed but other than that felt fine.

It's kind of strange.  The purpose of chemo is to take you to the edge of death to kill the cancer and then bring you back.  Now, my cancer is not that severe (caught early) so I have chemo light, so I'm not near the edge, just hanging back in the shadows.  But even so, I felt pretty darn good for being poisoned.  It's gonna make me re-think any mysteries I write where someone dies by poison. 

The evening of my chemo many friends and family enquired how I was and gratefully I could tell them I was fine.  But the next couple of days were not the best.  I just felt crappy.  Puny.  Not good.

Then, day 7 and all was fine again.

And it's been a good thing.  Because Warren became ill with a NASTY inner ear virus that literally knocked him on his butt every day for weeks.  His head and arms became covered with scabs, looked like he was in a car accident.  Eventually he migrated to a walker and arm/elbow pads that mitigated his falls.  And I became expert at following him through the house, noting that he was tipping, and then catching and lowering him to the ground.  It was a scary time for both of us.  And today he's close to 95% cured.  Yay!  Now I can be the sickie.

So, anyway, back to the chemo.  The second Tuesday after the first chemo, hair started falling out.  I tried to get an appointment with my hairdresser, but she had committments to clients with hair, so I ended up at costcutters.  Good enough.  Hit me with the number 3 blade please, this stuff is falling out everytime I touch it.  The young woman did and I discovered a lot of salt and pepper hair under than sheaf of platinum blonde I've been carrying around for years.   Hmmm.  Wonder how that's goig to end up when this is over?

Today, I have about 25% hair on my head.  I wash my head each day (although I am saving money on conditioner) to help it fall out.  Maybe tomorrow I'll go back to the costcutter woman and just have her shae it all off.  I try to remember to wear a scarf when I go outside, but sometimes . . .. I wonder if it's worse to forget your eyebrows or scarf?  Not that my eyebrows are gone yet, but I never did have that many.

I also have gotten a free Brazilian out of this.   Hmm.  I had to explain to Mom what that meant exactly, and there was a brief moment of WHAT???!!!  followed by, of course.  Chemo just kills hair follicles.  I'll probably end up saving money on mascara at some point too.  But I'll reinvest in eyeliner.

The last two weeks of chemo were fine.  I had energy and got into cooking and gained a few pounds.  Not my plan, but what the heck.  So this second round, that was this last Tuesday, was not as anxiety -ridden as the first.  Had a different nurse, different infusion set, different friend, but same benadryl, compazine, and "TC."  Turns out the benadryl makes me a real chatty cathy.  So my friends Cindy had brought things to work on and I didn't let her get a lick of work done.  No, we were on a girl date and I was in charge of entertainment.  I think she liked it because she didn't have to do much except smile and laugh at my dumb jokes now and then.

But overall I had the same experience.  Poisoning is ok when you have lots of compazine and benadryl on board.  And my doctors do believe in compazine.  Thankfully I had not had any nausea.  Yay!  But I have had heartburn.  Last night I thought I could finish off Warren Ultimate Cheesburger.  Oh, I paid for tht all night . . .now I know why some people think they're having a heart attack when they have severe heart burn.  It is nasty.

Overall I am doing well.  My blood tests have all been fine (good red and white blood cell counts), the episodes of pain from the white blood cell growth meds have been few and easily controlled with tylenol. 

This cancer thing is still hard for me to believe.  I never felt sick until I started getting treated.  Hmmm.  Each day I give thanks for having access to the meds that can keep me well.

That's all for now, more later.

Day 29

Good Morning!

Well, I am gaining strength and stamina.  I've only had one nap over the last four days and I cooked dinner for the first time last night.

I just read in Miss Manners' column about the correct etiquette regarding the open discussion of cancer.  She recommends not mentioning it.  She is a little upset that obituaries sometimes mention that someone lost their battle in beating cancer and she believes it is better to say the person died peacefully while surrounded by family.

I usually go along with Miss Manners.  But I can't say that I do today.  We talk with friends about knee replacements, colds, GERD, and other assorted physical ailments.   Why not cancer?  I don't mean we should necessarily go into all of the details with each acquaintance.  But then again, why should we hide it?

I obviously am not hiding it from you.  And there are several reasons why.

Reason 1:  My life is changed.  For the next several months I cannot be as active as I have been in the past.  For the rest of my life I must baby my right arm to prevent lymphodema.  I will need to wear compression garments from time to time.  My hair may fall out.  I should give up red meat.  I want you to know the reason for theses changes. 

Reason 2:  I now better understand the need for mammograms.  I think that most other cancers exhibit overt symptoms in most cases.  Breast cancer doesn't.  I felt healthy and hale and hearty until I saw the tumor on the ultrasound screen.  And apparently the tumor had been there for several years, silently growing, building a network to ensure its future.  So, if nothing else, I now preach to everyone - ANNUAL MAMMOGRAMS ARE A MUST!

Reason 3:  This is something I stole from a screenwriter for the television series "Longmire."  (I really like that series.)  On one episode Longmire was sitting with a horse that had been seriously injured in a barn fire.  Longmire told the horse that he knew the horse was fighter, he had seen the horse fighting.  He told the horse he didn't need to fight anymore because everyone already knew he was a fighter.  It was ok for the horse to die, and he did.

Boy, that really resonated with me.  And I believe all of these battles for life, whether the opponent is cancer or heart disease or stroke or whatever, I believe all of these battles for life should be recognized and celebrated.  And mentioned in obituaries.

Reason 4:  I am overwhelmed by the generous outpourings of love, prayers., support and well wishes from the many folks who have touched my life.  Thank you.  I hope I continue to live my life in a way that celebrates and honors the relationship I have with each and every one of you.  You are all precious to me.  Thank you.

So, those are my thoughts for today.

I go back to the oncologist next Monday.  

See you soon!
 

Day 14

Mom went home yesterday.  It was good having her here.  Since I didn't feel too bad we had a good time eating and drinking and shopping.

Her mother died of breast  cancer so it was very healing for her to see me doing as well as I did.  We were both surprised by how easy the surgery was.

I did have a reaction to the pre-op.  Something put on my neck caused dermatitis.  That would be a sunburn without the sun.  Went to the dermatologist today for some cream.  We talked about my cancer and proposed radiation treatment.  He is sure I will have skin sensitivities again.  He also said I might have trouble breathing since the pleura may become inflamed.  Good point.  I'll have to point that out to the radiology oncologist once that process starts.

Now, I've made you wait long enough.  While I was at the radiology oncologist today my pathology report came in.

1. Lymph nodes are clean!  Yay!  No metastasis
2. Tumor margins are negative! Yay!  Surgeon got all of the tumor
3. No HER2! Yay!  Cancer is not extremely aggressive kind
4. Estrogen receptive! Yay!  Estrogen blocker very effective in killing this cancer.
5. With radiation and estrogen blocker I have a 95% chance of surviving 10 years.  Yay!  I can get a lot done in 10 years.

 The radiation guy (Dr. Patel - very nice guy) said I still need to talk to the "regular" oncologist to see about chemo.  The chemo is something I need to make a choice about once I understand how it affects the 95% chance versus the badness of chemo.  That's a conversation I will have Thursday.

So I am making good progress, but this is a process that will take several months to get through.

Good news today.  I'll go have some tangerine juice.

Love to you.

1.  

Day 12

Today is a day of faith.

When I worked at the phone company we often had cards passed around.  These were birthday cards, happy new kid card, and, of course, sympathy cards in times of illness and death.

The sympathy cards were always the hardest for me to write.  I wanted to express my concern and love for my colleague, and still remain professional.  I believe many others faced the same conflict.  What can you write that won't get you thrown into the crazyperson category.

For many years I used the standard "My thoughts are with you and your family."   I felt this kept me out of religion jail.  There were so many different religious beliefs and I didn't want to offend anyone.

Then, I evolved it to "My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family."  I liked that I expanded the sentiment to one of faith.

Now, that I am on the receiving end of those wishes, I gave ti more time and thought in the midnight hours of last night.

I met a Hindu.  She said that the reason there are so many gods in Hindu is because they believe it is most important to have a God.  They don't care which one you have faith in, they care that you have faith.

So I am moving closer to that model.  I believe it is important that I have faith.   So I pray and I pray often and I pray with a full heart.  I call my God Jesus because I was brought up to pray to him.  And I respect who you pray to, and I will pray to that deity along with you when you invite me.

I believe now that if I was still at the phone company and I was presented a condolence card to sign, I would sign it "I am praying for you and your family."  I would not be concerned about offending anyone.  I think that faith is an important human element and we all need to believe in something that is magical and able put miracles in our lives and console us in times of trials.

So, for all of you who have sent your wishes and thoughts and prayers, I thank you for all of it.  I thank you for your faith in whoever it is and want you to know I am praying for blessings in your lives.

Day 8

Good Morning!

I want to apologize to all of you for dropping such unexpected news. 

I also want to aapologize cuz from the response, I think I was pretty pessimistic in my writing.   I'm really not totally desolate, just kinda scared at times.  Than kfully, the fear comes and goes.  I try very hard to stay in the now, not always easy.

And my house is NOT that dirty.

Mom got here yesterday and didn't pass out from being distraught at the state of the house.  She easily overlooked the detritis around her, i did a bit of dusting and wiping down the counters.  Then we got out the kittens and played.

It's very nice having her here.  She made a nice dinner for us last night (it was a snacky dinner, yum!) and insisted I try her scotch.  I only had one.  Thought it would be bad form to show up for surgery today hungover.

I slept well last night.  

Today I will be irritable.  No food or drink since midnight.  And surgery isn't until 1130 IF they stay on schedule.  So by then I am sure I will have a raging headache.  Maybe I'll start the pain thing "On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being worse, my pain is a _____."

I am surprised that I have shared this info so widely.  That's not like me.  But there's a part of me that wants folks to know so they can help their loved ones through this.  And I want to make sure people know that mammograms are important.  I knew I would never get breast cancer, didn't realize I was in a high risk group.  And I thought I was well informed.

Ok, back to me (yes, it's all about me for the next week or so).  Surgery at 1130, then an hour in recovery and then I'll come home.  Since there's no cutting on muscle, recovery should be pretty quick.

I feel calm.  Think I'll keep calm and carry on.

Love to you.

Today will be long an

Yes, it's  very early on Wednesday.  Woke at five and couldn't go back to sleep.

I've been trying to meditate, but I can only get about 5 breaths in before I lose it.

Mom comes today and the house has not been cleaned.  There is clutter, dust, and kitten detritis. 

There's a kitten at the door howling right now.  I've trained them that breakfast is served once I'm up.  This particular kitten is hearing my typing as I sit in the dark.

Today is the preop.  It feels like today is the first step down a long and painful road.  I hope that's not true, but I think it is.

I suspect the next  few months will be fillled with discomfort and the loss of ability to do things.  I don't know what all those things are yet, but I grieve for having lost them.

The writing helps.

I am so very thankful for the many friends I have who offer their time and support and love.  Thank you.  I can't say it enough.

Ok, need to get the day started, lab tests start early today.  

Day 5

I'm in!  I have formally joined the world of blogging.  This was always a fantasy for me, but I didn't have what I felt to be an adequate inspiration.  Now I have an overwhelming inspiration.

Last Wednesday I went for a followup mammogram and sonagram.  When it was over the radiationist (she's an MD by the way) informed me I had a 2.5 cm mass in my right breast.  When I asked if it could be a cyst she answered, "No, based on my experience these types of growths are almost always a cancer."

I was shocked.  This is not how the news is delivered in the movies.  I'm supposed to be made up and in a pretty outfit, sitting next to my husband in a doctor's office.  My husband and I are holding hands.  The doctor is calm, caring, and delivers the news with a flourishing offer of a box of Kleenex.  I take one and  bravely dot at my eyes, not smearing my eyeliner and mascara while sharing a loving look with my husband.

In real life I text my sister immediately with the news.  I schedule a  biopsy for Friday and get in my car.  My sister calls me and I cry and she prays.  I get home ok.  I've decided to withhold the information from my husband until we get the old sick cat, Mooch, to the vet.  She's not doing well and we believe today is the day we will have to put her down.  I think we need to take our grief items one step at a time.

When I walked in the door my husband was on the phone with my primary doctor's office.  They wanted to schedule an appt for Thursday.  When that wass done my husband asked me what was going on and I stood in the living room, statuelike, my hands fisted tightly, tears falling down my face.  I explain that I hadn't wanted it to be that way, I had wanted to tell him after we had dealt with Mooch, that we could only deal with one crisis at a time, but there was a tumor in my breast and they think it's cancer and I have a biopsy appointment on Friday.

Wow.

So we worked through the rest of Wednesday.

Mooch got to the vet, vet said she looks great for 18 years old, give her the steroids and call later to see how she's doing.

We returned home with Mooch.  On the way home I told her it wasn't fair.  Wednesday was the day for her death sentence, not mine.  And so, to straighten out things, we were going to sacrifice her.  She ignored my threat.  And she's doing fine as I write this, begging for treats when I'm in the kitchen.

 Ok, I'm done for now. 

I had the biopsy on Friday.